2.45am Thoughts

Omg I have been awake for hours now..my sleep has disappeared somewhere. I am wide awake, my mind is full of random ramblings:

  • Why can’t I switch off my mind? It’s nothing caffiene related or stress related. I have had a relaxing few days recently.
  • How will I cope tomorrow? Lack of sleep makes me extremely hyper& leaves me in  a drunk-like state.
  • Someone suggested drinking Horlicks before bed- I wonder if it would work for me.
  • There should be a Whatsapp Group for Night Owls& insomniacs like myself. I can’t message my contacts now because they are all asleep or will curse me for disturbing them 
  • Desi Superstitions come to mind…if you can’t sleep at night it is a bad omen, but I refuse to dwell on this because my desi mum also believes  her left eye twitching is a sign that disaster shall strike her soon..this impending doom never occurs.
  • Dreams…I don’t remember mine, I do experience nightmares sometimes though.
  •  Has anyone ever had that “falling” sensation in which they are awoken from sleep?Any explanations for it?
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Yassar Yaqub RIP

Reading the recent headlines about Yassar Yaqub,following the story on social media..here are my thoughts.

  • I feel very sorry for his family. Seeing his mother sobbing on television made my heart hurt. I have lost people close to me so I can emphasise with her suffering. I pray to God to give her peace and allow her to handle the pain she is experiencing.
  • On following the Justice For Yassar Facebook page: The racist, abusive messages about the deceased, the pingpong disgusting interactions between Facebookers with differing views on the page..OMG. What is the need for them to use this page to attack each other?. Everyone has an opinion, off course, but why are some people unable to articulate their views without resorting to namecalling and slurs?. 
  • I did not know Yassar. The two images of him that come to my mind after media watching for a week are: A dangerous criminal, a low-life drug dealer who terrorised his town,then one day he was accidently killed in a planned police encounter? or a loving, law abiding spoilt son who was shot down in a premediated murder by racist Yorkshire police officers?. 
  • If he was a danger to society then he should have been arrested that fatal evening, they should have put him before a court for sentencing. But maybe the police did not get a chance to follow this path, they tried to intercept him but failed so had to react in a pressurised situation so they had no choice but to shoot. An ambulance was on the scene so it is possible that they had tried to save his life.
  • Yassar’s death has made me question my views on the UK police. Since childhood I have always seen them in a positive light, I think I wanted to be a police woman once as well but didn’t pursue this as in my desi family it is not an “honourable” job for an asian girl..only suitable for boys. The police in this country are not corrupt,they uphold the law, they are fair, they don’t take bribes like the police in Pakistan..this has always been my view. But now I am frightened, thinking that are the police anti-muslim and anti-asian?when they look at me will they see a British born and bred Asian girl or a rotten Muslim, another oppressed Pakistani?. 
  • Only God knows what really happened, I always hear people saying when your time is up it’s up..a desi saying I have heard countless times is “Death becomes an excuse, a story to tell”. So Allah had written for his life to end, alone and in those circumstances on that tragic January evening?or did he write his own story by his actions which led to his death?, could there have been an alternative ending?. This always confuses me, Muslims believe that Allah has set the date of death on the day we are born, so how could Yassar have been saved when his story had been pre-set?
  • I pray that Yassar’s soul is at rest. I hope justice is served for him if he was wronged. 
  •  Most of all I pray for Peace, Unity and love in this world because my personal belief is that Black, White,Brown or Green..the colour of our skin does not matter. If we cut ourselves the blood is always Red, the blood that runs through our veins will always be Red. So underneath all our colour coded labels, we must not forget that we are one in God’s eyes.

I quit.

31st December 2016. The final day before the New Year arrives.

In my last counselling session I made a list of the things that I am quitting, I will not take into 2017 with me. I want to share this list with you.

I am letting go of the one who broke my heart. Leaving memories of him, letting them finally be buried in 2016. I dropped my Princess crown in the sewers when I was with him, I have my sparkle back now – not going to lose it again.

I am giving up on Fear. I have been paralysed by these fears throughout my life, today I banish them.  Fear of living..the classic desi fear of what will people think(in Urdu: log ki aksan), fear of the past, fear of the present and fear of the unknown future. Fear is with me every step I take, today I flush these imaginary fears away forever.

Pleasing people is something that needs to stop. I now know that I will never be good enough for some people, I can not meet their unrealistic expectations of me and I am able to accept this because I AM good enough for myself, this is all that matters. No more letting others set my worth,no more listening to the voices of others whilst drowning out my own gut feelings, no more setting myself on fire just to keep undeserving people warm.

I am also walking away from toxic people, their negativity is a gift that I shall refuse to accept now.  

I am sick of false gods, people sitting high to look down to judge and pass sentence on me so I am not going to pay attention to them anymore.

I quit. 2017 will be different for me.

Ode to 2016

This year is near to the end and I am glad to see the back of it.

2016 began with a very close friendship breaking up, this caused a lot of heartache for me. I am someone who has a very small inner circle of people,I trust these selected few with my life.

Losing someone from this sacred group was a painful experience. It took nearly 11 months for us to make amends and renew our friendship again, hopefully this time our bond is stronger and unbreakable.

Whilst I was trying to hold on to the fragile strands of this close relation, there was a girl who I had to let go for my own growth. This friendship was becoming toxic for me, so I finally made the decision to set myself free. When someone has been in your life for a long time, you somehow start to ignore the negativity,continously making excuses for the nasty behaviours but I learnt that it is not the quantity  that matters-it is the quality so from now onwards I will measure someone’s worth based on how they make me feel not on the years they have been in my life.

2016 took away my precious aunty,she passed away peacefully in her sleep. This stirred feelings of rage within me, :” why did you take her away?” I screamed out to a silent god.

This loss shook the foundations of my faith, however time is a great healer as they say..it weaves it’s magic like an ice-pack onto the wounds. I miss her lots, instead of weeping I am able to treasure the funny memories we made together.

In the summer of 2016 I met a guy who was simply amazing, my soulmate in so many ways. 3 months later as the season changed so did he. 

“Be brave my heart”I kept chanting to myself every night as I cried myself to sleep..wishing for him to feel the same love for me, wanting my happy ever after ending. 

We were not meant to be, I was Tinkerbell,light&fairy-like- full of positivity&joy whilst he was battling his own demons-self-loathing & insecure, how could he love me when he didn’t even love himself yet?.

 As 2016 comes to a close,I realise that the most important lesson I learnt was when I stopped trying to control things around me this included people as well as my own feelings..when I simply chose to let go & let god..everything fell into place by itself. 

This was spiritually enlightening, my heart healed itself, happiness returned to my life and I was able to smile once again. 

So goodbye 2016, you are leaving me after teaching me some harsh truths about this unpredictable life. I am more courageous than ever before, ready for the challenges of 2017 ….

Daughter in laws-another side to this saga.

Reading about Faryal Makhdoom’s story recently compelled me to write my own piece. I am not generalising and suggesting that her story is untrue or that women do not suffer from abusive inlaws but instead I am presenting another version when the daughter in law who joins the family is the catalyst for the abuse and is in actual fact the abuser.

When my brother got married to the girl of his choice, my parents and myself were happy. I welcomed the new bride into our family and was a sister, a friend, a wellwisher for her.

She had other ideas. A pre-set stereotypical mindset that in-laws are the enemy and it is this thinking which destroyed the happiness.
Within a few months of her moving in, she had alienated the 3 other members of the household. She would isolate herself, locked away in her room all day only peeking out in the evenings when he returned from work..full of tales to tell him , she played the victim card so expertly, she succeeded in brainwashing him with her lies.

She was envious of me and perceived me as a threat. How can his sister possibly be seen as competition? . My illusions of a beautiful princess completing our family were shattered, she was a serpent and her poision spread like fire, seeping into the love& respect we had given to her.. burning down every relationship for my brother until we decided oneday that her constant drama, crocodile tears and filth was too much to bear so we cut off all ties with her.

My advice to new desi brides is that when you marry please remember that your husband had some important relations such as his parents and siblings before you entered his life. Try to extend the same warmth to his family as you expect him to show yours. Leave all preconceived ideas from Starplus and Hum TV drama serials at the door when you enter your new home. 

Focus on making new relationships instead of breaking old ones. 

If I had been born a boy….how different things would be.

From the age of 12 I started to notice the differences in the way my mother &family members treated me and my brother. Now 20plus years later these differences still bother me and affect me.

Boys born into a Typical Punjabi family like mine are seen as gold and highly valued whilst girls are dust and a burden for the parents. Some might argue that society has evolved and this is no longer the case but unfortunately for me the stereotypical desi gender equalities still exist even in this modernised century. 

My brother has been able to do as he pleases with whoever he wishes, he has lived a life of his dreams. I have spent my life battling and fighting for my freedom and rights, even today I am a bird who has finally been granted the right to fly but she is tagged& the wings are clipped so she doesn’t fly too high or far from the nest.

Why is it that girls are seen as a burden for desi parents?instead of a blessing from god.

Why am I not appreciated even though I have done and continue to do so much for my loved ones? If my brother does a tiny thing he becomes a hero because he is the man and I am a worthless woman who is only fulfilling her duties as a daughter.

Sometimes it feels like this house is a prision keeping me from soaring to new heights but other times when my mother’s warnings and woes resound in my mind then this house is a sanctuary that protects me from the dark, scary,unknown world.